College for Idiots: Advice

The first few weeks of school I unknowingly compiled a list a few things that are best to avoid when you first enter college. It took me several months and a bout of depression to finally figure out what I needed to know.

1. Overflow housing blows. Live in a dorm room at all costs your first semester. I know there are horror stories but not many. You do not have to be best friends with your roommate and sometimes it is better if you aren’t. However, living in a dorm room provides you with the full college experience. Tour groups don’t come into your apartment but they do come into your dorm room. This allows you to stand in the doorway and watch as parents are forced to step over the half clothed,
passed out girl who locked herself out of her bedroom. Or maybe the guy who is still drunk at 10 in the morning and peeing in the hallway.

2. Guys do not fix everything. Now I know this one is a shocker. Even the nicest guy can tell you fifty times that you are pretty but until you believe it yourself it will never work.

3. Always embarrass you orientation ambassador when you see them in public, drunk, it is just plan fun.

4. Always steal toilet paper, lunch trays, cups, bagels, fruit, etc. from the dining halls. You or your parents are paying for the crap food you might as well use the dining hall to its fullest.

5. Green poop does not mean you are dying. It just means the dining hall food is really bad and probably contains some sort of laxatives.

6. Slip and slides in your dorm room hallways are great until the cops come discover everyone is drunk. Then they give you and everyone else a Minor in Possession ticket. That then means, one: you must go to court and have it appear on your record or, two: take an AA class and still go to court.

7. The Campus Parking Cops are complete and utter bitches. They will make your life miserable. They will give you multiple tickets in one day. Befriending them and bringing them cookies may just offend them so beware.

8. People will steal or throw away your laundry if you do not remove it from the communal machines fast enough. Yes, in an all girl’s dorm someone stole my sports bra, a pair of underwear, and several of my white socks. I really hope that person doesn’t sleep with my delicates now, that would just be plain creepy. I sort of wish I had crabs and gave it to whoever stole my underwear. Too bad maybe one day I will be lucky enough to give someone crabs.
College really is fun trust me.