College for Idiots: Advice

I have had my fair share of attempted jobs. Actual jobs I have only had three total. Well, technically I have had five but two of them don’t count.

The thing is only one of the jobs I have had ended well and the other I currently still have so it is going just fine. The other job I quit. Why, because they were absolutely horrible. Some might say I was naïve, whatever. At least I can now spread my knowledge on to others.

1. Tutor. You should only be a tutor if you like children. If you don’t like children and hate math with a burning passion you should probably not tutor children, with learning disorders, in math. Also I was working at an Asian run tutoring firm through the recommendations of my friend who worked there that was also Asian. Apparently my boss did not understand why a white, Italian girl was working there but she needed help so she took me. However, things got a little confusing when she constantly spoke and gave directions in Korean.

I had officially been working there for three hours (one days work total) when I decided to quit. I got home that day and came to the conclusion that one I did not fit in there, two no child should learn math from me, three that it was sort of sketchy that I was not required to fill out tax forms, and four it was really really hard to teach an eight year old math (especially an eight year who screamed bitch at you every couple minutes). That was my first job. So far I was off to a good start.

2. Working in a mall food court at Auntie Anne’s Pretzels. For those of you who don’t know what Auntie Anne’s is it is a pretzel kiosk that appears in malls and the idea was created by an Amish woman. First things first, I liked this job a lot because I worked with nice people and so I stayed there for three years. However, this job had its issues. Do not work in a food court if you do not like people, really stupid people. Also do not work in a food court, in a kiosk, that is positioned next to a play pen. The children in the pen will scream because their parents have left them in there unsupervised even though the huge sign at the entrance says they cannot do that.

The worst part is if the food court happens to have amazing acoustics and there is a play pen with screaming children you may murder someone. Why, because you won’t be able to taking the echoing, screaming children and you will at several points during the day want to kill them. Oh, and even though the customer is supposedly always right they aren’t. Ninety-nine percent of the time they are wrong, very very wrong. For example: Customer: “You burnt my pretzel” Me: “No those are raisins, you ordered a raisin pretzel.” Customer: “Screw you!”

3. Nanny. Okay so maybe being a nanny isn’t really a bad job. However, the people I worked for made it a bad job. One: do not work for people who think their child is allergic to everything. That is right they think he is allergic they don’t have any actual medical proof that he is, but either way you have to walk around with a briefcase filled with Epi-pens. Never ever work for someone who’s seven year old can not wipe his own ass.

Do not work for someone is richer than Donald Trump but never pays you and won’t pay you the correct amount. Yet for some reason they give each of their children $100 in cash to spend everyday. Do not work for someone who forces you to walk their dog even though the dog has bitten you several times. Do not work for someone who sleeps in the same bed as their seven year old child and not their husband.

4. Waitress. Being a waitress is not at all a bad job if you work at a reputable place that makes money. If you never have to fill out tax forms than you are not technically working for anybody. This means if you get injured on the job than you won’t get workers comp. and you can under no circumstances sue your boss, because well there is no legal proof that you worked there. If your place of employment writes your personal checks for twenty-seven dollars and those checks bounce. If the water and air are shut off because your boss ‘forgot’ to pay them.

If you are forced to work past when the kitchen closes because the bartender doesn’t want to put ice in people’s drinks even though you are under 21 and should not be serving alcohol. Also it was apparently too hard for the bartender to turn the televisions off at night because he was one: too wasted or two: to hopped up on cocaine to do so and he wanted you around so he could stare at something attractive. These are all signs of a bad work environment.

The first few weeks of school I unknowingly compiled a list a few things that are best to avoid when you first enter college. It took me several months and a bout of depression to finally figure out what I needed to know.

1. Overflow housing blows. Live in a dorm room at all costs your first semester. I know there are horror stories but not many. You do not have to be best friends with your roommate and sometimes it is better if you aren’t. However, living in a dorm room provides you with the full college experience. Tour groups don’t come into your apartment but they do come into your dorm room. This allows you to stand in the doorway and watch as parents are forced to step over the half clothed,
passed out girl who locked herself out of her bedroom. Or maybe the guy who is still drunk at 10 in the morning and peeing in the hallway.

2. Guys do not fix everything. Now I know this one is a shocker. Even the nicest guy can tell you fifty times that you are pretty but until you believe it yourself it will never work.

3. Always embarrass you orientation ambassador when you see them in public, drunk, it is just plan fun.

4. Always steal toilet paper, lunch trays, cups, bagels, fruit, etc. from the dining halls. You or your parents are paying for the crap food you might as well use the dining hall to its fullest.

5. Green poop does not mean you are dying. It just means the dining hall food is really bad and probably contains some sort of laxatives.

6. Slip and slides in your dorm room hallways are great until the cops come discover everyone is drunk. Then they give you and everyone else a Minor in Possession ticket. That then means, one: you must go to court and have it appear on your record or, two: take an AA class and still go to court.

7. The Campus Parking Cops are complete and utter bitches. They will make your life miserable. They will give you multiple tickets in one day. Befriending them and bringing them cookies may just offend them so beware.

8. People will steal or throw away your laundry if you do not remove it from the communal machines fast enough. Yes, in an all girl’s dorm someone stole my sports bra, a pair of underwear, and several of my white socks. I really hope that person doesn’t sleep with my delicates now, that would just be plain creepy. I sort of wish I had crabs and gave it to whoever stole my underwear. Too bad maybe one day I will be lucky enough to give someone crabs.
College really is fun trust me.

So, here is my advice from someone who has had some relationship problems. I don't take my own advice and I should. However, since I don't I figure maybe someone else will.
1. Apparently my biggest relationship fall back is constantly worrying that I am going to lose the guy I'm with at the time. Don't do that. It stresses you out; it stresses your girlfriend/boyfriend out, and most of all it stresses your relationship out.

2. Always tell your partner what is bothering you. Don’t listen to anyone that tells you to talk to them and not your partner. You need to tell them when you have a problem. If you value your relationship and you want it to last don’t hide anything. The rough patches and the small problems are what make your relationship better in the long run.

3. Fight. Yes, the fight might have seemed pointless and you may not have had a legitimate reason to fight but for some reason it needed to happen. I have been with the same guy for almost two years and I don’t regret a single fight we ever had. Yes, I caused a lot of them for no good reason, but there was something there. It was my insecurity and it was going to rear its head sometime so just fight and be done with it.

4. When you argue never say: “well, fine just break up with me”. If your partner hears it enough they will begin to consider it and do just that. All it takes is one fight and that comment and you are single.

5. Never move in without asking.

6. Never give hints. If your partner is content with the way things are they won’t see the hint. Whether they don’t want to recognize the hint that they are doing something wrong or they just don’t get it. Never hint; everyone deserves honesty. Don’t skirt around the important shit.

7. Never ever talk bad about someone you want back. I was dumped by my boyfriend and I was devastated. However, I wanted him back. He told me two months later (when we got back together) that I almost lost him completely because I bad mouthed him. Get angry in another way. Go to the gym. Develop a hobby. Don’t talk bad about someone you still love or for that matter loved, it won’t get you anywhere.
If you didn’t catch on from the article I went through a bad breakup, but I am still a romantic. Love fixes a lot of stuff. I got the guy back but sometimes the damage you can cause because of your own issues is irreversible.

1. Do not tell your roommates when you first met them that they either:
-look anorexic
-look like someone you saw on America's Most Wanted
-smell or look dirty
-are unattractive/ not wealthy enough for you to interact with
-they shouldn't have been accepted to this college, let alone
anywhere else
-is their voice usually that annoying or are they just trying to
sound like Fran Drescher

2. Do not foolishly agree to be their best friend forever on the first day you meet. If someone is asking you that then there is something really really wrong.

3. Pop Tarts. They are fun, many varieties, they look pretty with sprinkles. However, they are fattening. Just because they are strawberry or blueberry does not mean they qualify as a fruit. If you continuously eat an entire pack twice a day you will end up looking like the Blueberry girl from Willy Wonka.

4. Rolling backpacks are evil and will cause you to be made fun of frequently. Professors carry them this should be enough of a hint. Rolling backpacks are just as uncool as they were in high school.

5. If your roommate is a hermit they probably don't bathe frequently either. This means:
- they will smell
- they will make your apartment smell
- their filth will begin to spread everywhere
- they may have diseases, DO NOT touch them

6. Never ever take all 8 am. classes unless you are forced to do so. You will not wake up for your 8 am. classes after awhile. Either that or you will wake up and then go back to sleep. Setting your alarm across the room will not help you will get up turn it off and go back to bed. Another five minutes will turn into another hour.

7. Sharing a room with someone is fine. Sharing a room with someone and their significant other is not fine. Especially if they only see their significant other every few weeks. Unless you enjoy watching people touch each other's peepee's and whoha's and having really loud, animal like sex you probably won't appreciate the humping.