College For Idiots

In the mood for a quick desert that tastes really good and will make everyone else think you are insanely awesome make cannoli. If you don't know what that is, it is an Italian desert.

Ingredients:
Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips (as many as you want)
3 cups: Ricotta Cheese
1 1/4 cups: Powdered Sugar
Cannoli Shells (1 or more packages)
1 tsp: Vanilla Extract (optional)

Directions:
Mix Ricotta Cheese and Powdered Sugar together until mixture is smooth. Add as many chocolate chips as you want. Fill the pre-cooked shells with the mixture. Keep the Cannoli refrigerated.

Ta da, you have a super fancy desert now. Isn't that just wonderful? You are now a cooking genius, a savant really.

Okay so maybe you are trying to make a fancy meal to impress your parents or a girl that you want to screw. Either way here is something you can do. . .

Ingredients:
Prepackaged frozen Shrimp Scampi.
Linguini noodles.

Directions:
Boil the linguini.
Fry the shrimp.
Combine the two.
And you have a meal.

Sometimes shrimp can leave you gassy or screw with your breath among other things. So beware before you try doing the dirty with your date.

To explain my abilities I have one simple phrase. . . I am a nerd. I cannot flirt whatsoever. I also am at the level of a middle schooler when it comes to sexual prowess.

In the past I have tried to flirt but it did not turn out so well. I have asked some of the guys I have attempted to flirt with how I did. My favorite response was that I was acting like a bitch. So, I guess when I flirt I am actually being a bitch. Hmm, that is not quite what I was going for.

In high school I was not so good at picking up guys either. One time I asked a gay guy to prom. He said no; along with four other straight guys. Something about me must scream not dateable.

However, in college my prospects began to turn around. I was actually getting better at talking to guys and had a good number of potential dates set up. Instead I choose one guy and have been with that same guy for two years. Minus a small break that was caused by my dating idiocy.

The nice thing about college was that I began to notice there were other people out there that had worse dating skills than I did. This was a major plus for me.

For example, the guy that called/texted me at least four times a day had no skills. He did not get very far with me; come to think of it he went nowhere at all.

Another sad example was the setup my friend went on with a guy. While the two of them were hanging out at his apartment he looked at her and asked: “So, when are we going to hook up?” Very smooth king of douche bags.

Then there was the guy that was apparently turned on by the fact that he saw me yelling at a movie attendant. You see the movie guy refused to give me my Fandango purchased ticket to Harry Potter. Well, this made me absolutely furious so I decided to snap at him.

As I was storming away from the ticket booth a guy came up to me and said: “Excuse me, I have a question.” “Yes.” “Are you Jewish?” “No.” “Too bad I guess I can’t date you now, I only date Jewish girls.” Okay I don’t know what about me screamed Jewish (was it my yelling or perhaps my nose) who knows, but there was one guy I couldn’t date. Too bad.

Then there was the college football player at my school who attempted to pick me up by showing me a picture of his penis on his cell phone, telling me he use to be a stripper, proceeding to dance for me, and then telling me he wanted me to be his first whitey. Yes, I so wanted a piece of that.

So, the conclusion I have come to: no, I cannot flirt however; there are people out there that are more clueless than I am. Sometimes I really wonder how people get married. I guess there is a reason the divorce rate is so high now and days. Maybe picking up a woman by showing her your penis is not the key to a long lasting marriage.

I have had my fair share of attempted jobs. Actual jobs I have only had three total. Well, technically I have had five but two of them don’t count.

The thing is only one of the jobs I have had ended well and the other I currently still have so it is going just fine. The other job I quit. Why, because they were absolutely horrible. Some might say I was naïve, whatever. At least I can now spread my knowledge on to others.

1. Tutor. You should only be a tutor if you like children. If you don’t like children and hate math with a burning passion you should probably not tutor children, with learning disorders, in math. Also I was working at an Asian run tutoring firm through the recommendations of my friend who worked there that was also Asian. Apparently my boss did not understand why a white, Italian girl was working there but she needed help so she took me. However, things got a little confusing when she constantly spoke and gave directions in Korean.

I had officially been working there for three hours (one days work total) when I decided to quit. I got home that day and came to the conclusion that one I did not fit in there, two no child should learn math from me, three that it was sort of sketchy that I was not required to fill out tax forms, and four it was really really hard to teach an eight year old math (especially an eight year who screamed bitch at you every couple minutes). That was my first job. So far I was off to a good start.

2. Working in a mall food court at Auntie Anne’s Pretzels. For those of you who don’t know what Auntie Anne’s is it is a pretzel kiosk that appears in malls and the idea was created by an Amish woman. First things first, I liked this job a lot because I worked with nice people and so I stayed there for three years. However, this job had its issues. Do not work in a food court if you do not like people, really stupid people. Also do not work in a food court, in a kiosk, that is positioned next to a play pen. The children in the pen will scream because their parents have left them in there unsupervised even though the huge sign at the entrance says they cannot do that.

The worst part is if the food court happens to have amazing acoustics and there is a play pen with screaming children you may murder someone. Why, because you won’t be able to taking the echoing, screaming children and you will at several points during the day want to kill them. Oh, and even though the customer is supposedly always right they aren’t. Ninety-nine percent of the time they are wrong, very very wrong. For example: Customer: “You burnt my pretzel” Me: “No those are raisins, you ordered a raisin pretzel.” Customer: “Screw you!”

3. Nanny. Okay so maybe being a nanny isn’t really a bad job. However, the people I worked for made it a bad job. One: do not work for people who think their child is allergic to everything. That is right they think he is allergic they don’t have any actual medical proof that he is, but either way you have to walk around with a briefcase filled with Epi-pens. Never ever work for someone who’s seven year old can not wipe his own ass.

Do not work for someone is richer than Donald Trump but never pays you and won’t pay you the correct amount. Yet for some reason they give each of their children $100 in cash to spend everyday. Do not work for someone who forces you to walk their dog even though the dog has bitten you several times. Do not work for someone who sleeps in the same bed as their seven year old child and not their husband.

4. Waitress. Being a waitress is not at all a bad job if you work at a reputable place that makes money. If you never have to fill out tax forms than you are not technically working for anybody. This means if you get injured on the job than you won’t get workers comp. and you can under no circumstances sue your boss, because well there is no legal proof that you worked there. If your place of employment writes your personal checks for twenty-seven dollars and those checks bounce. If the water and air are shut off because your boss ‘forgot’ to pay them.

If you are forced to work past when the kitchen closes because the bartender doesn’t want to put ice in people’s drinks even though you are under 21 and should not be serving alcohol. Also it was apparently too hard for the bartender to turn the televisions off at night because he was one: too wasted or two: to hopped up on cocaine to do so and he wanted you around so he could stare at something attractive. These are all signs of a bad work environment.

A hooker, no. Pulling out, also wrong. Cooking barbecue chicken on your George Foreman Grill, yes!

Ingredients:
98% fat free boneless chicken breasts (however many you want)
Barbecue sauce (your favorite brand)

Directions:
Remove excess fat from the chicken (if you want)
Smear barbecue sauce on chicken
Cook on George Foreman until finished

Tip: you can also place the barbecue sauce on after you grill. It makes less of a mess on the plates then.

Side Dish: Ramen noodles, or if you want to take a little more time carrots, microwaveable packets of Uncle Ben's rice, or salad.

Thus far in college I have learned several things. None of which are at all school related. I have discovered the many multitudes of mentally insane people that roam about my college campus.

Queer Number One: The creepy old guy who is not in grad school and insists on hanging out with freshman. The reason he hangs out with freshman is simple all the older students have already been severely disturbed by him. I encountered this guy rather early on in my freshman year. I went with this girl I had met to an of campus party. The first thing I noticed was that everyone but one guy was twenty or under. He apparently was the owner of the apartment. The sad thing was that he owned close to thirty videos of Girl’s Gone Wild. I didn’t actually know people owned those. Needless to say we left the party early.

Queer Number Two: The professor who is almost forty and being your teacher is the first job she has ever had. Yes, that is right my professor was a perpetual college student. She would sit with us in class and lecture everyone on how being to educated prevented you from getting a job. Well, maybe that was because she had twenty years worth of degrees. She also told us it took her ten years to graduate undergrad because she drank to much and her and her man friend were known as the biggest partiers in Wisconsin. Oh, congratulations you party more than the cows. I mean if I lived in Wisconsin I would want to drink too. The scary thing is for a woman who partied a lot she had a very strange wardrobe. She looked like a badly dressed Amish woman who had forgotten to bathe.

Queer Number Three: The dining hall worker that looks like Flavor Flav. Every morning between classes I would go the good dining hall to eat the biggest breakfast I have ever eaten. First things first I would look at the pancakes and see if they were hard. They usually were so I would get fruit and go through the pastry line. Then I would get my cereal. This was were I met Flavor Flav for the first time. He was explaining to another student how he wasn’t treating the cereal dispenser properly. The dispenser was like a woman you must be slow with it and caress it gently to get the goods, never ever treat it rough. He was always a very happy individual and he constantly sang. I think he would have been a better Flavor Flav than the actual guy he was slightly less disgusting.

Queer Number Four: The people selling crap to you. At my school the place they chose to sit was the library bridge. Everyday I passed by them they attempted to one: give me a pamphlet showing how people murder animals, two: tried to give me a free high five or hug for the day (both of which are entirely unacceptable because I have issues with personal space), three: get me to join some stupid ass club, or four: sell me some over priced nasty looking cookies. Seriously leave me alone. I am walking to class I do not want your crap and I really really do not want you to touch me.

Queer Number Five: The stalker. I had one; he was really special. Freshman year I decided to be nice to my English partner. Apparently this meant I was madly in love with his jean shorts, tall white socks wearing self. I made the mistake of meeting him for lunch to work on homework, this resulted in constant harassment. Also, thanks to Facebook, he learned my aim screen name, my email address, and sent me constant facebook messages. He always asked me what I was doing, if I wanted to eat lunch with him, if I was happy, etc. Eventually Jean shorts stopped trying to get with me when he realized I had a boyfriend. However, to this day he still sends me bizarrely creepy Facebook messages every year on my birthday.

The first few weeks of school I unknowingly compiled a list a few things that are best to avoid when you first enter college. It took me several months and a bout of depression to finally figure out what I needed to know.

1. Overflow housing blows. Live in a dorm room at all costs your first semester. I know there are horror stories but not many. You do not have to be best friends with your roommate and sometimes it is better if you aren’t. However, living in a dorm room provides you with the full college experience. Tour groups don’t come into your apartment but they do come into your dorm room. This allows you to stand in the doorway and watch as parents are forced to step over the half clothed,
passed out girl who locked herself out of her bedroom. Or maybe the guy who is still drunk at 10 in the morning and peeing in the hallway.

2. Guys do not fix everything. Now I know this one is a shocker. Even the nicest guy can tell you fifty times that you are pretty but until you believe it yourself it will never work.

3. Always embarrass you orientation ambassador when you see them in public, drunk, it is just plan fun.

4. Always steal toilet paper, lunch trays, cups, bagels, fruit, etc. from the dining halls. You or your parents are paying for the crap food you might as well use the dining hall to its fullest.

5. Green poop does not mean you are dying. It just means the dining hall food is really bad and probably contains some sort of laxatives.

6. Slip and slides in your dorm room hallways are great until the cops come discover everyone is drunk. Then they give you and everyone else a Minor in Possession ticket. That then means, one: you must go to court and have it appear on your record or, two: take an AA class and still go to court.

7. The Campus Parking Cops are complete and utter bitches. They will make your life miserable. They will give you multiple tickets in one day. Befriending them and bringing them cookies may just offend them so beware.

8. People will steal or throw away your laundry if you do not remove it from the communal machines fast enough. Yes, in an all girl’s dorm someone stole my sports bra, a pair of underwear, and several of my white socks. I really hope that person doesn’t sleep with my delicates now, that would just be plain creepy. I sort of wish I had crabs and gave it to whoever stole my underwear. Too bad maybe one day I will be lucky enough to give someone crabs.
College really is fun trust me.

So, here is my advice from someone who has had some relationship problems. I don't take my own advice and I should. However, since I don't I figure maybe someone else will.
1. Apparently my biggest relationship fall back is constantly worrying that I am going to lose the guy I'm with at the time. Don't do that. It stresses you out; it stresses your girlfriend/boyfriend out, and most of all it stresses your relationship out.

2. Always tell your partner what is bothering you. Don’t listen to anyone that tells you to talk to them and not your partner. You need to tell them when you have a problem. If you value your relationship and you want it to last don’t hide anything. The rough patches and the small problems are what make your relationship better in the long run.

3. Fight. Yes, the fight might have seemed pointless and you may not have had a legitimate reason to fight but for some reason it needed to happen. I have been with the same guy for almost two years and I don’t regret a single fight we ever had. Yes, I caused a lot of them for no good reason, but there was something there. It was my insecurity and it was going to rear its head sometime so just fight and be done with it.

4. When you argue never say: “well, fine just break up with me”. If your partner hears it enough they will begin to consider it and do just that. All it takes is one fight and that comment and you are single.

5. Never move in without asking.

6. Never give hints. If your partner is content with the way things are they won’t see the hint. Whether they don’t want to recognize the hint that they are doing something wrong or they just don’t get it. Never hint; everyone deserves honesty. Don’t skirt around the important shit.

7. Never ever talk bad about someone you want back. I was dumped by my boyfriend and I was devastated. However, I wanted him back. He told me two months later (when we got back together) that I almost lost him completely because I bad mouthed him. Get angry in another way. Go to the gym. Develop a hobby. Don’t talk bad about someone you still love or for that matter loved, it won’t get you anywhere.
If you didn’t catch on from the article I went through a bad breakup, but I am still a romantic. Love fixes a lot of stuff. I got the guy back but sometimes the damage you can cause because of your own issues is irreversible.

1. Do not tell your roommates when you first met them that they either:
-look anorexic
-look like someone you saw on America's Most Wanted
-smell or look dirty
-are unattractive/ not wealthy enough for you to interact with
-they shouldn't have been accepted to this college, let alone
anywhere else
-is their voice usually that annoying or are they just trying to
sound like Fran Drescher

2. Do not foolishly agree to be their best friend forever on the first day you meet. If someone is asking you that then there is something really really wrong.

3. Pop Tarts. They are fun, many varieties, they look pretty with sprinkles. However, they are fattening. Just because they are strawberry or blueberry does not mean they qualify as a fruit. If you continuously eat an entire pack twice a day you will end up looking like the Blueberry girl from Willy Wonka.

4. Rolling backpacks are evil and will cause you to be made fun of frequently. Professors carry them this should be enough of a hint. Rolling backpacks are just as uncool as they were in high school.

5. If your roommate is a hermit they probably don't bathe frequently either. This means:
- they will smell
- they will make your apartment smell
- their filth will begin to spread everywhere
- they may have diseases, DO NOT touch them

6. Never ever take all 8 am. classes unless you are forced to do so. You will not wake up for your 8 am. classes after awhile. Either that or you will wake up and then go back to sleep. Setting your alarm across the room will not help you will get up turn it off and go back to bed. Another five minutes will turn into another hour.

7. Sharing a room with someone is fine. Sharing a room with someone and their significant other is not fine. Especially if they only see their significant other every few weeks. Unless you enjoy watching people touch each other's peepee's and whoha's and having really loud, animal like sex you probably won't appreciate the humping.

Ah yes, my freshman roommate. She was such a lovely person; such a wonderful rich snob. Yes, there are rich snobs everywhere but they become more pronounced in their college years. Many people would say I grew up with snobs and sometimes put off a snobbish air. However, when you meet someone like my first freshman roommate you begin to think that Donald Trump isn’t as much of an over privileged ass, with hideous, hair as you originally thought.

1.She was a wonderful individual who thought all black people stole and wanted to have anal sex with her. This meant that(a) our other roommate stole (b) all of our other roommates friends were planning on having anal with her and (c) that one day they would all ban together, kill her, and steal all her Ralph Lauren cloths.

2. She had found the love of her life and so she now felt the need to give everyone she met relationship advice. Even though she had only known this guy for a month she already knew everything there was to know about love. This meant hours upon hours of hearing about how I shouldn’t talk to this guy because he was using me. Or that this guy wasn’t worth going after because he actually liked her and I was better suited for the more unattractive guy. Ironically the guy she claimed liked her has now been my boyfriend for almost two years. Hmmm, perhaps she was wrong.

3. I was undeniably the ugly roommate. One I did not wear expensive cloths I like Abercrombie and American Eagle, for shame. I should have been buying $200 pairs of jeans and $80 thongs. Two I was way to skinny and was obviously anorexic.I guess that must be true I mean I weigh 119 and I am 5’4” so obviously something is wrong with me. While she on the other hand weighed 190 and was 5’6”. Three I looked like I exercised. So what if I use to run cross country and had large calves that is disgusting and I should never allow anyone to see my legs. Four, I had no ass and so that was just wrong. Thanks to my roommate my already existent self-esteem issues were just getting better and better.

4. I should never kiss my boyfriend in front of her because when I did that it caused her to throw up a little in her mouth. However, it was okay for her to giggle incessantly with her boyfriend while they kissed each other on the neck. It was also okay for her and her boyfriend to share a single bed in the same room with me and do god knows what under the sheets while the discussed who loved the other one more.

5. She should not have been required to stay on campus. She was too good to live on campus with poor people. She should be living off campus. Who cares about requirements they do not apply to her.

6.Her family lived across the street from a trailer. The people in the trailer took care of the cotton field behind their house. Under no circumstances however, could the people from the trailer interact with her she did not talk to people not in the upper class. She might occasionally speak with those poor individuals in the upper-middle class when she felt like doing charity work.

7. Whenever her boyfriend came to visit (he went to another school) I had to clean for her. She did not clean however it was okay if I did. She would just hand me the cleaning supplies.

8. Finally, DO NOT DRINK HER AQUAFINA or you will die a slow and
painful death. She didn’t speak to me for five days because she thought I had drank one of her water bottles. The unpurified dorm room water was completely unacceptable and made her break out.

Ah yes such wonderful memories of her. I mean don’t get me wrong she wasn’t all bad. She did have several seasons of Sex and the City which I have now grown to hate. Okay so maybe she was that bad.

As a college student there are a few staples in your diet that you will need.

1. A George Foreman Grill. Yes, they aren't exactly cheap but for $25 you can get one and it will make your life a lot easier. I am lazy and cheap. So, this grill or something like it makes your life a lot simpler. Instead of attempting to cook something in the oven which can take awhile you can grill it in under ten minutes.

2. A muffin tin. Muffins are a wonderful thing; especially the ones that you don't have to add anything to other than water.

3. Pam. Apparently a lot of people forget to use this when cooking. I guess they think it is fun to allow their food to stick in pans and then have their roommates clean it out for them because they are too damn lazy.

4. Lean Cuisine Pizza. Or any other small microwaveable meals. Lean Cuisine or some other type of dietary dish is best because then you don't have to worry so much about gaining millions of pounds. Frozen food tends to be rather unhealthy.

5. Pasta, ramen, rice, or anything along those lines. These are always necessaries when it comes to a college diet. They are relatively simple to make. Just remember not to add to much water because then the water can overflow. Otherwise if you don't add too much you don't really have to pay attention to what you are doing.

6. Cereal is a wonderful thing. It can work for absolutely every meal. However, you may want to try some of the healthier stuff occasionally because Trix and Coco Puffs don't really have much nutritional value.

7. Carrots. They don't rot quickly which is nice because I never remember to throw stuff out of my refrigerator. Carrots also don't produce an extremely rancid smell as quickly as certain other vegetables. Apparently zucchini will mold quickly and begin to produce a very disgusting liquid substance. This will cause your entire refrigerator to smell really really bad.

8. Peanut Butter. It goes on everything. Bagels, apples, celery, crackers, bread, cookies, and maybe on other people if you really like Peanut butter and enjoy cleaning up really nasty messes.

Alright well, that sort of gets you started. When you first start college however or live by yourself in your own place for the first time you may have to spend a little more than usual. Oh, and as a little reminder always freeze your meats they last longer. When you do freeze them however take them out of the packaging first and separate them in Ziplocs. That way you don't have to de-thaw everything which ends up ruining more of your food.

So, my first dorm room ever. It was special but for a few months I called it home. That is until my insane roommates became unbearable and I had to move out. However, it was livable for awhile.
To make it livable though there were several things I need to do to it. They were as follows. . .

1. Cover the water (piss) stains on the walls up with pretty posters of places I would rather be at the current moment.

2. Do not walk barefoot. The floor will probably give me planter’s warts, athlete’s foot, or (worst of all) cooties. This meant I need to place nasty, old flip-flops in strategic places around the room.

3. Remove pictures of retarded, fat, old Italian men from the wall that my most evil roommate and her gay dad in denial put in the kitchen. Italian people are not all fat and we do not all make pasta. However, later that day they were quickly replaced by gay dad in denial. As he said a kitchen was not a kitchen unless there were fat Italian people in there and since I was not fat that would not work.

4. Make sure clothes do not encroach on the most evil roommate’s side of the closet. Apparently our closet was like the North and the South during the Civil War. If a Yankee entered Rebel territory they would die. In other words if my poor clothes touched her expensive designer clothes my clothes would be thrown away. The North Face apparently will not tolerate American Eagle, who knew? Yes, that is right according to her my American Eagle clothing was poor people’s attire. Several weeks into the year I was also subjected to an interrogation on how someone can purchase and outfit for under $100. Shocking I know but it was true I could buy a whole outfit for under $100.

5. Pick a dresser and pick well. If not I might die.

Alright well those were my plans for my room I guess they would work. However, the commons area I had no control over. The fourth and the worst of all my roommates had decided she and her parents (that included her gay married to a woman father) would be the decorators. This meant that my other roommates pathetic 19 inch TV had to be disposed of right away.

The replacement TV was a 20 inch fancy, ass flat screen TV. This TV probably cost all of what I had made that summer working in the mall food court back home. Of course, this meant I was not entirely comfortable watching the TV. So, instead I would stick with my nice seven year old 13 inch that was in my dorm bedroom.

Now since we had a normal 19 inch TV that needed to be disposed of, so the super mean roommate threw it in front of the other girl’s door. Yes, because that was the nice thing to do. Throw a TV at your roommate. I guess in rich land throwing TV’s does not matter since they are just disposable pieces of junk not expensive electronics.

The best part was next when the bitch and her family asked me to hook up the cable since I obviously worked with my hands. I guess that was implying that I was poor. Ah, college roommates. They are interesting to say the least.

The first task for the afternoon was to find my other new roommates who seemed to have run away. As it turns out, I discovered, they were hiding in their bedroom.

They were probably worried apron man was going to try and disinfect them with his carpet cleaner. So, my family and I took their hiding as a hint and retreated to my bedroom and started putting stuff away in my closet.

At this point the bitch, her mom, and her severely whipped boyfriend entered the room. What followed was a series of twenty questions about my life, habits, and how intelligent I was……
1. Are you going to join a sorority? I don’t know.

2. Are you in the honors college? No, I didn’t want to join. Oh, well our bitch was supposed to be in it but she applied to late.

3. Are you religious? I guess.

4. What religion? Catholic.

5. Do you go to church? Occasionally.

6. Do you have boyfriend? No

7. Is it because of your eating disorder? I don’t have an eating disorder.

8. Why don’t people want to date you? Um, I don’t know.

9. Do you exercise you should take our daughter to the gym with you. Uh yeah, sure.

10. Do you drink a lot? We like wine. I don’t think I like wine.

11. Do you like the other two girls; we don’t think they are normal. They seem nice.

12. They look like they steal, what do you think? I don’t know. What do thieves look like?

13. Do you get good grades? Sure.

14. What was your SAT score? 1250

15. Hm, our daughter did better than that, you must be majoring in education. No, International Trade.

16. Oh, well I guess that is a hard major. Are you an American citizen? Yes

17. Oh, what is your ethnicity then? Italian.

18. Are you in the mob? Yes, I use to have another brother. We gave him cement shoes and threw him in the river.

19. Oh, well that’s lovely (insert uncomfortable laughter). Can you cook? Sorta.

20. Well that’s good you can cook for our daughter then. Do you clean? No, I like to fester in my own filth. (That’s what I was thinking) In reality I said, Yes, I love to.

Eventually, the questions finished and she started to talk about her boyfriend. While the bitch explained to me how they met and how many children they were planning on having my Mom and I continued to unpack.

Meanwhile her boyfriend sat with a blank look on his face nodding at all the right times. To my surprise after the bitch discussed their future wedding she told me how excited she was that their one month anniversary was soon approaching. Okay, so maybe it’s just me but personally I doubt I would be convinced of an impending marriage after only one month.

That seems rather insane, and besides who picks out their children’s names that early. It is just plan creepy.

After I heard her life story my family and I were beckoned to the living room to examine the new furniture. The living room looked like a pot head had purchased the furniture because the bright colors had spoken to him or her.

The rug was a beautiful mix of bright orange, dark blue, olive green, brick red and some other hideous combinations. The couches were olive green and dark blue. Then there was a glass coffee table (what college kid has a glass coffee table) and three strange silver leaves that looked like dishes nailed to the wall.

Also, there was a huge Beetles poster on the wall. Granted the bitch did not like the beetles but the colors in the poster matched our hideous furniture so it was a must have, according to her mom. The room was scary to say the least and the television roommate number four provided was apparently not sufficient. Her mother said it look to poor in the living room. So, she stuck outside.

At this point my family and I decided we had had enough moving for one day and were headed back to the hotel (I was not staying there since I still couldn’t reach my bed under all the boxes). Once, we got back to the hotel my brother did some research. The furniture the bitch bought apparently cost upwards of $4,000 dollars; we found it all on the Rooms to Go website.

So, the first official day of college…..what did I learn?
1. People are insane

2. Married men who wear aprons are probably gay

3. Nineteen inch non-flat screen T.V’s make apartments look poor

4. My roommates apparently had the look of thieves

5. Italian people are in the mob

6. Getting a 1250 on your SAT (the two part version) means you
are going to be an education major

7. And if you have dark hair you are not an American citizen

Once my family and I had made it safely back to our van, with its awesome tinted windows, we decided on where to eat for lunch. My parents felt for me to get the complete feel of college that we should all eat in one of my school’s dining halls.

I was very stupid for allowing this. I should have forced my parents to take me to an actual restaurant while they were still here with their money. Instead I chose to begin the horrible process, that would later start in my intestines, early by subjecting myself to school food.

Once my parents and I got our spam like substances and sat down to eat when began to discuss my roommates. My Dad’s responded first as follows: “I think the bitch’s Dad gets beaten by his wife and then she takes all his food from him while she suffocates him in her massive chest.” Then my brother: “How the hell does roommate number four have sex with her boyfriend. It’s not natural there is a reason whales mate with whales and not dolphins.”

My mother: “Mormons don’t do that, besides you need to be quiet this is not appropriate lunch conversation. So, let’s move on to a new topic shall we? “I personally feel that the cleaning of these facilities is not at all up to par. I made your father wipe more brown stuff out of that toilet…….” Apparently my Mom thought bowel movements were a more appropriate conversation topic. Personally, I would have been fine either way, but in my family the loudest person gets to make that decision.

Eventually we finished our lunch and quickly found a restroom for my Dad because anytime he eats a bathroom must be in close proximity. Then we headed back to the war zone that was my apartment.

At this point the furniture the bitch and her family purchased had arrived. All the other stuff that had been placed in the room by roommate number four, big rear, and me was conveniently shoved in the corner. This of course had to be done so the bitch’s Dad could use the rented carpet cleaner in the apartment. While he was cleaning he was wearing an apron. Denied gayness confirmed.

Oh goody, this afternoon was going to be really fun.

It was a relatively uneventful day. I woke up insanely nervous seeing as this was the first time ever I was actually going to be away from my parents. Except for those two weeks out of the year I would go on vacation with my friends and their families. First things first, I woke and my mother started crying. She stops, we walk to the car, and she starts again. We drive to my door room. Oh wait a second, I didn’t live in a dorm room thanks to horrible freshman overcrowding I got stuck in upperclassmen apartments.

So we headed to my apartment which I would later learn was probably not the best situation and living in a dorm room was about fifty times better. We pull up to the apartment complex and we get my keys. The apartment complex was a glorious mosquito infested muck pit, and much to our surprise so was the actual apartment.

There was one window, and the carpet resembled wet garbage. There were also foot prints on the wall. I do not know how they got there and I am pretty sure I never will. However, my sick mind assumed the previous residents had created some sort of deranged sex machine and that’s how the foot prints got there. My Dad thought that was what it was too.

Next I begin to unpack and was promptly stopped by my mother and informed that the apartment first had to be thoroughly disinfected. So, my Dad, brother, and I put on surgical gloves and cleaned while my mother sat on top of her throne of boxes and told us what to do.

Several hours later one of my roommates appeared. She seemed nice, no problems there.

The apartment, mind you, slept four girls in two bedrooms, one bath, and a kitchen/living area. Next came the other roommate (the bitch), all her furniture, and her slave (her slave was her extremely nice boyfriend). Apparently no furniture was good enough for her, so her parents insisted on buying everything for the apartment.

Now the first sign that things were going to go badly is when the bitch’s father informed my Dad that ‘the black girl has a large rear end’. Oh, goody a racist my favorite type of person (I hope you caught on to my sarcasm).

While he was telling my father this my brother and I proceeded to discuss the fact that her married Dad was blatantly gay. At some during this discussion my Dad had walked away from him and the gayish Dad asked my other roommate with the large rear if she would like to sing hymns with him.

Seriously who asks that? Then the bitch’s mother told me that her daughter would have to hang out with me more because she needed to lose weight and I looked like I had an eating disorder. Personally, I refer to my ‘eating disorder’ as anti-anorexic also known as someone who doesn’t eat every meal at McDonalds.

Finally, my last roommate arrived, and attached to her was a small hump back whale. My brother referred to this hump back whale as Crog King of Ogres. Roommate number four, however, referred to him as boyfriend. He was nice until a week later when he decided to start using our shower and lay in the living room in nothing but a towel that barely made it half way around his mid section.

So, by this time my parents and I decided we should head out for lunch. Once, we shut the door we sprinted back to our rented child molester van and my first morning in college came to an end.