College For Idiots

Thanks to Freshman overflow I was forced to live in the upper classmen, on campus apartments my first semester. Now most people would die to live in a place like that their freshman year and so naturally I was very excited.

Eventually thought I began to realize there were a lot of drawbacks to living in an apartment. One I was not surrounding by freshman like most kids my age were in the dorms. Instead I was living next to people I didn’t know and would never end up meeting. They were already seasoned college students and weren’t so willing to make friends.

This meant that as an out-of-state student I was at a major disadvantage because I didn’t know anyone and was having difficulty meeting people. Thankfully though I did meet a guy a month into school and we started dating. He was two years older than me so he introduced me to a lot of people.

It was also nice to have a boyfriend because that meant I would spend less time in my apartment which wasn’t the best environment. My one roommate was a major bitch who had serious race problems with one of the other girls in our place.

To make matters worse Major Bitch witnessed the girl she hated, because she was black, doing it with a guy on the sofa Major Bitch had bought. So for the next few weeks the apartment had an air of anger in it.

Three weeks later and I thought everything had blown over. I was wrong. It was Halloween weekend and there was a major concert in our basketball stadium. So, my friend from back home that went to college two hours away came up to visit.

The night was going smoothly. I introduced her to my boyfriend. She was the first of my high school friends to meet him so I was really nervous. Thankfully she liked him.

Later that night my friend and I went back to my apartment to meet up with the girls that came to my school that weekend with her. We were getting the apartment ready because they were all staying with me. So logically, we used the pull out couch.

As we were arranging the couch I noticed a strange whitish stain on it. It looked like sperm but my friend insisted it must have been applesauce. Well, the Major Bitch’s boyfriend was visiting that weekend so we called the two of them in to examine it. I mean he was a guy he would know whether or not it was sperm.

After a quick look it was agreed it was sperm. Then we unfolded the couch the rest of the way to find it stained with bodily fluids and pubic hair. Needless to say my poor friend did not sleep on the couch.

And so the situation had not blown over. Major Bitch had called her mom two weeks earlier; her mom then called the roommate who caused the sperm to be on the couch and asked her to thoroughly disinfect that couch.

She claimed that she did so, but I guess she missed the sperm and pubic hair. Now Major Bitch was majorly mad and ready to kill someone. This was going to be really really bad.

So, college football games are awesome. Especially when you attend a school whose stadium is in the top ten for number of people it holds.
It was just another Saturday with a noon football game.

I’m not exactly sure who we played because as you will soon learn I had more important things to remember (it might have been Duke or Wake Forest, who knows).

My roommate and I woke up around ten and showered and changed into our school’s color. As I was finishing my hair my other roommate (the biggest bitch alive) went into the other room to get breakfast. Two seconds after she left our room I heard a horrible scream.

Apparently when she entered the living room we shared with two other girls she happened to come across roommate number three having sex with her boyfriend on our pull out sofa.

The Bitch came running into our shared room yelling about how she didn’t want to see their nasty thrusting asses. I just sat on my bed in complete shock. Now, the other problem with this was that the only way out of our apartment was the living room. Our living room was where the fucking was occurring.

I called my boyfriend to tell him we might be late and that I would explain later. The Bitch and I then headed back to the hallway and began banging on the door that led to our living room.

However, this did not stop roommate number three and her man and they continued to screw for another twenty minutes. It was a good thing they stopped too because I was about to climb out our bedroom window.
They were rather loud when they had sex. It sort of sounded like I was watching Animal Planet on surround sound.

Right when they stopped The Bitch told me I would have to enter the living room first because she had seen enough ass for that day. We made our way into the living room and out the front door.

I was pretty proud of myself because I managed to do so with my eyes closed. Sadly I could not close my ears so I had to listen to The Bitch scream about how filthy and disgusting the two of them were.

On the way over to the game The Bitch complained about how she would have to buy a new couch because black people sex was disgusting.

Apparently when her fat ass had sex with her boyfriend who had a beer gut that wasn’t disgusting at all; I would have rather seen roommate number three go at it.

For the next few weeks I was forced to always enter the apartment first to make sure no one was screwing on the pull out. Also The Bitch called her mom who called roommate number three and bitched at her. Apparently several fights occurred over the next few days. I was conveniently out, a lot.

Freshman year I had a pretty interesting roommate. I lived with three
girls and shared a room with one of them. She was a stuck up rich girl who thought anyone that didn’t wear Polo was poor.

She would have fit in great with one some of the more stuck up sororities at my school but she chose not to join. The Greek Life was not her style (she claimed). They weren’t good enough for her.

Yes, she had a boyfriend that she was completely obsessed with and
constantly fought with on the phone. Their fights weren’t serious though. They mostly consisted of him being jealous of all the guys she said liked her and the two of them arguing about who loved the other one more.

A few weeks into school I started to realize she was a bit unstable. The first example of this was when I spent the night for the first time at my boyfriend’s place. Apparently I was only allowed to spend the night out when she said it was okay.

She claimed that she didn’t want me leaving because she feared our other (black) suite mate was going to steal from her. After she stole from her she would then send her henchmen in to take care of her. Uh huh, cause that was really going to happen.

That Sunday morning I got home from my boyfriend’s at decided to go back to my bedroom. I needed to get my clothes and go shower before I went to meet my English partner.

However, there was a slight problem I was unable to enter my room. She had locked me out. The worst part was that I knew she was awake because I could hear her in our room watching my TV.

I spent the next several hours sitting in the commons room waiting for her to let me back in the room. It wasn’t until late that evening she went to the dining hall to get food and walked straight past me without saying a damn thing.

For the next week she refused to talk to me and only did so to tell me
that she was going home that coming weekend. When the weekend was over she came back to school and was acting insanely happy like she was never mad at me.

Well, I guess it wasn’t that big of a deal I am sure she would never act like that again. Yeah right.

You see since I have already tried the following things I know that they don’t work. Sometimes they actually work but then they inevitably fall apart.

1. Ten page research pages cannot be finished in one day….actually make that five hours. I would suggest starting your paper at least two weeks before the deadline. However, I do agree that starting it two months before hand is just plan excessive. Somehow I got an A in that English class. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that my teacher didn’t really feel the need to grade a single one of our papers until the week before the grades were due. So, I think what she did was get drunk and give everyone A’s. Unless of course you didn’t show up to enough classes and then she gave you a C.

2. Don’t sign a binding single lease with someone you have known for less than six months, they may actually be a cheap ass lying bum (I’m not bitter). In all seriousness though be careful about your leases. I mean even for the sake of your friends. Make sure that if you or anyone else in the place forgets to pay their bill that it doesn’t affect anyone else. Also wireless internet is awesome because you can ‘borrow’ your neighbors.

3. Pretend it’s not going on. This can work for many situations, whether it is your roommate’s deranged sexual habits or that ex-friend hell bent on ruining your life. They will fail and the more you ignore them the happier you will end up. Sometimes confrontation is not the best answer. (Especially when you are forced to live with this certain person for the next few months.) Honestly what you need to do is do whatever you feel is right. Your feelings usually are the best indicator of what you need to do. Second guessing is something hard to overcome but don’t always listen to that little annoying voice in the back of your head. Everything works out for the best in the end; I am a strong believer in that.

4. If someone can’t pick up their dogs shit they probably can take care of themselves. This isn’t really anything super important but it’s just a little interesting fact to keep in mind about your potential roommates.

5. Beware of doing your laundry. Cold is the best option for clothes because well then there is less chance of the different colors blending. I personally use the cold setting and separate by color because some reason my colors still seem to get on each other. I think I am just plain cursed when it comes to laundry. Who really knows, but it’s best not to mix colors.

Ingredients:
Chicken Strips (they cook faster than breasts)
Plain Seasoned Bread Crumbs
Mustard (Honey, Brown, Original, or whatever you like)

Directions:
Preheat the oven to 325 for strips and 350 for breasts
Pour mustard on a plate, as much as you think you will need to cover the chicken
Coat the chicken with the mustard (use a pastry brush if you have one, if not just smear the mustard on)
Pour the breading on to a plate and roll the chicken around in the breading until fully coated
Then place in the oven for 25 minutes or until done

For a side dish I suggest Uncle Ben’s rice. It cooks pretty quickly and there are tons of flavors you can pick.

1.Do not leave any beer half full or even a little bit full. This includes new beer you feel like purchasing just because you want to try it. I have done this and yes drinking that beer made me almost want to throw up but I did it and I am a girl. A real man finishes his beer. I would dump a man for not finishing his beer because that means he can’t finish anything else that is remotely important.

2.Never insert a beer bottle in to any hole in your body. I do not care how drunk you are I will never respect you again or allow you near my beer.

3.I do not care if it is your 21st birthday 21 shots are just stupid unless you weigh 800 lbs. If you don’t weight that much pass the extra shots out to your friends. I mean chances are you will throw up on them by the end of the night so you might as well be nice and give them some alcohol.

4.If your farts smell like alcohol the next day you probably drank too much the night before. Also if you single handedly caused a herpes outbreak on campus but do not remember of the encounters that led to this epidemic you may have drank too much.

5. If someone pees in your liquor bottle and you, one can’t tell the difference between the urine and whatever you are drinking, or two do not care. Then the alcohol you had before sucked horribly and you should never ever drink it or waste your money on it. Case and point: My guy friend in high school and his handle of Patron.

6. When you are drunk make sure you look at yourself in the mirror a lot because you will automatically become a 10 out of 10 or at least a 9. This will increase your self confidence ten fold so now you can go up to attractive people you wouldn’t normally hit on. However, do not go the other way and think ugly people are more attractive than they normally are; instead stay busy by telling yourself you are pretty.

7. Grabbing at people’s appendages is entirely acceptable. As long as you aren’t a guy. Girls can grab other girl’s boobs its okay. Guys however, will receive a swift kick to the nuts. However, girls you must be drunk when you grab someone else’s boob or butt only if you are drunk or good friends with them. The more obviously drunk you are the easier it is to get away with it too. No matter how drunk you are though never ever grab another girl’s boyfriends man area she will not be happy with you.

8. Liquor before beer and you are a queer…eh whatever I don’t care. You can drink beer, moonshine, vodka, and then beer again; whatever you want to do. As long as you don’t throw up on me, in my toilet or sink I don’t give a fuck what you do.

9. Milk and any time of liquor is probably a bad idea unless it is in a shot and made absolutely perfect. Birthday cake, stale milk, and alcohol will result in icing flavored throw up.

10. Alcohol is good. Cops are bad. That is all.