College For Idiots: Crazy Stories

It was a relatively uneventful day. I woke up insanely nervous seeing as this was the first time ever I was actually going to be away from my parents. Except for those two weeks out of the year I would go on vacation with my friends and their families. First things first, I woke and my mother started crying. She stops, we walk to the car, and she starts again. We drive to my door room. Oh wait a second, I didn’t live in a dorm room thanks to horrible freshman overcrowding I got stuck in upperclassmen apartments.

So we headed to my apartment which I would later learn was probably not the best situation and living in a dorm room was about fifty times better. We pull up to the apartment complex and we get my keys. The apartment complex was a glorious mosquito infested muck pit, and much to our surprise so was the actual apartment.

There was one window, and the carpet resembled wet garbage. There were also foot prints on the wall. I do not know how they got there and I am pretty sure I never will. However, my sick mind assumed the previous residents had created some sort of deranged sex machine and that’s how the foot prints got there. My Dad thought that was what it was too.

Next I begin to unpack and was promptly stopped by my mother and informed that the apartment first had to be thoroughly disinfected. So, my Dad, brother, and I put on surgical gloves and cleaned while my mother sat on top of her throne of boxes and told us what to do.

Several hours later one of my roommates appeared. She seemed nice, no problems there.

The apartment, mind you, slept four girls in two bedrooms, one bath, and a kitchen/living area. Next came the other roommate (the bitch), all her furniture, and her slave (her slave was her extremely nice boyfriend). Apparently no furniture was good enough for her, so her parents insisted on buying everything for the apartment.

Now the first sign that things were going to go badly is when the bitch’s father informed my Dad that ‘the black girl has a large rear end’. Oh, goody a racist my favorite type of person (I hope you caught on to my sarcasm).

While he was telling my father this my brother and I proceeded to discuss the fact that her married Dad was blatantly gay. At some during this discussion my Dad had walked away from him and the gayish Dad asked my other roommate with the large rear if she would like to sing hymns with him.

Seriously who asks that? Then the bitch’s mother told me that her daughter would have to hang out with me more because she needed to lose weight and I looked like I had an eating disorder. Personally, I refer to my ‘eating disorder’ as anti-anorexic also known as someone who doesn’t eat every meal at McDonalds.

Finally, my last roommate arrived, and attached to her was a small hump back whale. My brother referred to this hump back whale as Crog King of Ogres. Roommate number four, however, referred to him as boyfriend. He was nice until a week later when he decided to start using our shower and lay in the living room in nothing but a towel that barely made it half way around his mid section.

So, by this time my parents and I decided we should head out for lunch. Once, we shut the door we sprinted back to our rented child molester van and my first morning in college came to an end.