College For Idiots: Crazy Stories

Once my family and I had made it safely back to our van, with its awesome tinted windows, we decided on where to eat for lunch. My parents felt for me to get the complete feel of college that we should all eat in one of my school’s dining halls.

I was very stupid for allowing this. I should have forced my parents to take me to an actual restaurant while they were still here with their money. Instead I chose to begin the horrible process, that would later start in my intestines, early by subjecting myself to school food.

Once my parents and I got our spam like substances and sat down to eat when began to discuss my roommates. My Dad’s responded first as follows: “I think the bitch’s Dad gets beaten by his wife and then she takes all his food from him while she suffocates him in her massive chest.” Then my brother: “How the hell does roommate number four have sex with her boyfriend. It’s not natural there is a reason whales mate with whales and not dolphins.”

My mother: “Mormons don’t do that, besides you need to be quiet this is not appropriate lunch conversation. So, let’s move on to a new topic shall we? “I personally feel that the cleaning of these facilities is not at all up to par. I made your father wipe more brown stuff out of that toilet…….” Apparently my Mom thought bowel movements were a more appropriate conversation topic. Personally, I would have been fine either way, but in my family the loudest person gets to make that decision.

Eventually we finished our lunch and quickly found a restroom for my Dad because anytime he eats a bathroom must be in close proximity. Then we headed back to the war zone that was my apartment.

At this point the furniture the bitch and her family purchased had arrived. All the other stuff that had been placed in the room by roommate number four, big rear, and me was conveniently shoved in the corner. This of course had to be done so the bitch’s Dad could use the rented carpet cleaner in the apartment. While he was cleaning he was wearing an apron. Denied gayness confirmed.

Oh goody, this afternoon was going to be really fun.