College For Idiots: Crazy Stories

The first task for the afternoon was to find my other new roommates who seemed to have run away. As it turns out, I discovered, they were hiding in their bedroom.

They were probably worried apron man was going to try and disinfect them with his carpet cleaner. So, my family and I took their hiding as a hint and retreated to my bedroom and started putting stuff away in my closet.

At this point the bitch, her mom, and her severely whipped boyfriend entered the room. What followed was a series of twenty questions about my life, habits, and how intelligent I was……
1. Are you going to join a sorority? I don’t know.

2. Are you in the honors college? No, I didn’t want to join. Oh, well our bitch was supposed to be in it but she applied to late.

3. Are you religious? I guess.

4. What religion? Catholic.

5. Do you go to church? Occasionally.

6. Do you have boyfriend? No

7. Is it because of your eating disorder? I don’t have an eating disorder.

8. Why don’t people want to date you? Um, I don’t know.

9. Do you exercise you should take our daughter to the gym with you. Uh yeah, sure.

10. Do you drink a lot? We like wine. I don’t think I like wine.

11. Do you like the other two girls; we don’t think they are normal. They seem nice.

12. They look like they steal, what do you think? I don’t know. What do thieves look like?

13. Do you get good grades? Sure.

14. What was your SAT score? 1250

15. Hm, our daughter did better than that, you must be majoring in education. No, International Trade.

16. Oh, well I guess that is a hard major. Are you an American citizen? Yes

17. Oh, what is your ethnicity then? Italian.

18. Are you in the mob? Yes, I use to have another brother. We gave him cement shoes and threw him in the river.

19. Oh, well that’s lovely (insert uncomfortable laughter). Can you cook? Sorta.

20. Well that’s good you can cook for our daughter then. Do you clean? No, I like to fester in my own filth. (That’s what I was thinking) In reality I said, Yes, I love to.

Eventually, the questions finished and she started to talk about her boyfriend. While the bitch explained to me how they met and how many children they were planning on having my Mom and I continued to unpack.

Meanwhile her boyfriend sat with a blank look on his face nodding at all the right times. To my surprise after the bitch discussed their future wedding she told me how excited she was that their one month anniversary was soon approaching. Okay, so maybe it’s just me but personally I doubt I would be convinced of an impending marriage after only one month.

That seems rather insane, and besides who picks out their children’s names that early. It is just plan creepy.

After I heard her life story my family and I were beckoned to the living room to examine the new furniture. The living room looked like a pot head had purchased the furniture because the bright colors had spoken to him or her.

The rug was a beautiful mix of bright orange, dark blue, olive green, brick red and some other hideous combinations. The couches were olive green and dark blue. Then there was a glass coffee table (what college kid has a glass coffee table) and three strange silver leaves that looked like dishes nailed to the wall.

Also, there was a huge Beetles poster on the wall. Granted the bitch did not like the beetles but the colors in the poster matched our hideous furniture so it was a must have, according to her mom. The room was scary to say the least and the television roommate number four provided was apparently not sufficient. Her mother said it look to poor in the living room. So, she stuck outside.

At this point my family and I decided we had had enough moving for one day and were headed back to the hotel (I was not staying there since I still couldn’t reach my bed under all the boxes). Once, we got back to the hotel my brother did some research. The furniture the bitch bought apparently cost upwards of $4,000 dollars; we found it all on the Rooms to Go website.

So, the first official day of college…..what did I learn?
1. People are insane

2. Married men who wear aprons are probably gay

3. Nineteen inch non-flat screen T.V’s make apartments look poor

4. My roommates apparently had the look of thieves

5. Italian people are in the mob

6. Getting a 1250 on your SAT (the two part version) means you
are going to be an education major

7. And if you have dark hair you are not an American citizen