College For Idiots: Crazy Stories

Ah yes, my freshman roommate. She was such a lovely person; such a wonderful rich snob. Yes, there are rich snobs everywhere but they become more pronounced in their college years. Many people would say I grew up with snobs and sometimes put off a snobbish air. However, when you meet someone like my first freshman roommate you begin to think that Donald Trump isn’t as much of an over privileged ass, with hideous, hair as you originally thought.

1.She was a wonderful individual who thought all black people stole and wanted to have anal sex with her. This meant that(a) our other roommate stole (b) all of our other roommates friends were planning on having anal with her and (c) that one day they would all ban together, kill her, and steal all her Ralph Lauren cloths.

2. She had found the love of her life and so she now felt the need to give everyone she met relationship advice. Even though she had only known this guy for a month she already knew everything there was to know about love. This meant hours upon hours of hearing about how I shouldn’t talk to this guy because he was using me. Or that this guy wasn’t worth going after because he actually liked her and I was better suited for the more unattractive guy. Ironically the guy she claimed liked her has now been my boyfriend for almost two years. Hmmm, perhaps she was wrong.

3. I was undeniably the ugly roommate. One I did not wear expensive cloths I like Abercrombie and American Eagle, for shame. I should have been buying $200 pairs of jeans and $80 thongs. Two I was way to skinny and was obviously anorexic.I guess that must be true I mean I weigh 119 and I am 5’4” so obviously something is wrong with me. While she on the other hand weighed 190 and was 5’6”. Three I looked like I exercised. So what if I use to run cross country and had large calves that is disgusting and I should never allow anyone to see my legs. Four, I had no ass and so that was just wrong. Thanks to my roommate my already existent self-esteem issues were just getting better and better.

4. I should never kiss my boyfriend in front of her because when I did that it caused her to throw up a little in her mouth. However, it was okay for her to giggle incessantly with her boyfriend while they kissed each other on the neck. It was also okay for her and her boyfriend to share a single bed in the same room with me and do god knows what under the sheets while the discussed who loved the other one more.

5. She should not have been required to stay on campus. She was too good to live on campus with poor people. She should be living off campus. Who cares about requirements they do not apply to her.

6.Her family lived across the street from a trailer. The people in the trailer took care of the cotton field behind their house. Under no circumstances however, could the people from the trailer interact with her she did not talk to people not in the upper class. She might occasionally speak with those poor individuals in the upper-middle class when she felt like doing charity work.

7. Whenever her boyfriend came to visit (he went to another school) I had to clean for her. She did not clean however it was okay if I did. She would just hand me the cleaning supplies.

8. Finally, DO NOT DRINK HER AQUAFINA or you will die a slow and
painful death. She didn’t speak to me for five days because she thought I had drank one of her water bottles. The unpurified dorm room water was completely unacceptable and made her break out.

Ah yes such wonderful memories of her. I mean don’t get me wrong she wasn’t all bad. She did have several seasons of Sex and the City which I have now grown to hate. Okay so maybe she was that bad.