College For Idiots: Crazy Stories

Thus far in college I have learned several things. None of which are at all school related. I have discovered the many multitudes of mentally insane people that roam about my college campus.

Queer Number One: The creepy old guy who is not in grad school and insists on hanging out with freshman. The reason he hangs out with freshman is simple all the older students have already been severely disturbed by him. I encountered this guy rather early on in my freshman year. I went with this girl I had met to an of campus party. The first thing I noticed was that everyone but one guy was twenty or under. He apparently was the owner of the apartment. The sad thing was that he owned close to thirty videos of Girl’s Gone Wild. I didn’t actually know people owned those. Needless to say we left the party early.

Queer Number Two: The professor who is almost forty and being your teacher is the first job she has ever had. Yes, that is right my professor was a perpetual college student. She would sit with us in class and lecture everyone on how being to educated prevented you from getting a job. Well, maybe that was because she had twenty years worth of degrees. She also told us it took her ten years to graduate undergrad because she drank to much and her and her man friend were known as the biggest partiers in Wisconsin. Oh, congratulations you party more than the cows. I mean if I lived in Wisconsin I would want to drink too. The scary thing is for a woman who partied a lot she had a very strange wardrobe. She looked like a badly dressed Amish woman who had forgotten to bathe.

Queer Number Three: The dining hall worker that looks like Flavor Flav. Every morning between classes I would go the good dining hall to eat the biggest breakfast I have ever eaten. First things first I would look at the pancakes and see if they were hard. They usually were so I would get fruit and go through the pastry line. Then I would get my cereal. This was were I met Flavor Flav for the first time. He was explaining to another student how he wasn’t treating the cereal dispenser properly. The dispenser was like a woman you must be slow with it and caress it gently to get the goods, never ever treat it rough. He was always a very happy individual and he constantly sang. I think he would have been a better Flavor Flav than the actual guy he was slightly less disgusting.

Queer Number Four: The people selling crap to you. At my school the place they chose to sit was the library bridge. Everyday I passed by them they attempted to one: give me a pamphlet showing how people murder animals, two: tried to give me a free high five or hug for the day (both of which are entirely unacceptable because I have issues with personal space), three: get me to join some stupid ass club, or four: sell me some over priced nasty looking cookies. Seriously leave me alone. I am walking to class I do not want your crap and I really really do not want you to touch me.

Queer Number Five: The stalker. I had one; he was really special. Freshman year I decided to be nice to my English partner. Apparently this meant I was madly in love with his jean shorts, tall white socks wearing self. I made the mistake of meeting him for lunch to work on homework, this resulted in constant harassment. Also, thanks to Facebook, he learned my aim screen name, my email address, and sent me constant facebook messages. He always asked me what I was doing, if I wanted to eat lunch with him, if I was happy, etc. Eventually Jean shorts stopped trying to get with me when he realized I had a boyfriend. However, to this day he still sends me bizarrely creepy Facebook messages every year on my birthday.