College For Idiots: Crazy Stories

To explain my abilities I have one simple phrase. . . I am a nerd. I cannot flirt whatsoever. I also am at the level of a middle schooler when it comes to sexual prowess.

In the past I have tried to flirt but it did not turn out so well. I have asked some of the guys I have attempted to flirt with how I did. My favorite response was that I was acting like a bitch. So, I guess when I flirt I am actually being a bitch. Hmm, that is not quite what I was going for.

In high school I was not so good at picking up guys either. One time I asked a gay guy to prom. He said no; along with four other straight guys. Something about me must scream not dateable.

However, in college my prospects began to turn around. I was actually getting better at talking to guys and had a good number of potential dates set up. Instead I choose one guy and have been with that same guy for two years. Minus a small break that was caused by my dating idiocy.

The nice thing about college was that I began to notice there were other people out there that had worse dating skills than I did. This was a major plus for me.

For example, the guy that called/texted me at least four times a day had no skills. He did not get very far with me; come to think of it he went nowhere at all.

Another sad example was the setup my friend went on with a guy. While the two of them were hanging out at his apartment he looked at her and asked: “So, when are we going to hook up?” Very smooth king of douche bags.

Then there was the guy that was apparently turned on by the fact that he saw me yelling at a movie attendant. You see the movie guy refused to give me my Fandango purchased ticket to Harry Potter. Well, this made me absolutely furious so I decided to snap at him.

As I was storming away from the ticket booth a guy came up to me and said: “Excuse me, I have a question.” “Yes.” “Are you Jewish?” “No.” “Too bad I guess I can’t date you now, I only date Jewish girls.” Okay I don’t know what about me screamed Jewish (was it my yelling or perhaps my nose) who knows, but there was one guy I couldn’t date. Too bad.

Then there was the college football player at my school who attempted to pick me up by showing me a picture of his penis on his cell phone, telling me he use to be a stripper, proceeding to dance for me, and then telling me he wanted me to be his first whitey. Yes, I so wanted a piece of that.

So, the conclusion I have come to: no, I cannot flirt however; there are people out there that are more clueless than I am. Sometimes I really wonder how people get married. I guess there is a reason the divorce rate is so high now and days. Maybe picking up a woman by showing her your penis is not the key to a long lasting marriage.