College For Idiots: Crazy Stories

1.Do not leave any beer half full or even a little bit full. This includes new beer you feel like purchasing just because you want to try it. I have done this and yes drinking that beer made me almost want to throw up but I did it and I am a girl. A real man finishes his beer. I would dump a man for not finishing his beer because that means he can’t finish anything else that is remotely important.

2.Never insert a beer bottle in to any hole in your body. I do not care how drunk you are I will never respect you again or allow you near my beer.

3.I do not care if it is your 21st birthday 21 shots are just stupid unless you weigh 800 lbs. If you don’t weight that much pass the extra shots out to your friends. I mean chances are you will throw up on them by the end of the night so you might as well be nice and give them some alcohol.

4.If your farts smell like alcohol the next day you probably drank too much the night before. Also if you single handedly caused a herpes outbreak on campus but do not remember of the encounters that led to this epidemic you may have drank too much.

5. If someone pees in your liquor bottle and you, one can’t tell the difference between the urine and whatever you are drinking, or two do not care. Then the alcohol you had before sucked horribly and you should never ever drink it or waste your money on it. Case and point: My guy friend in high school and his handle of Patron.

6. When you are drunk make sure you look at yourself in the mirror a lot because you will automatically become a 10 out of 10 or at least a 9. This will increase your self confidence ten fold so now you can go up to attractive people you wouldn’t normally hit on. However, do not go the other way and think ugly people are more attractive than they normally are; instead stay busy by telling yourself you are pretty.

7. Grabbing at people’s appendages is entirely acceptable. As long as you aren’t a guy. Girls can grab other girl’s boobs its okay. Guys however, will receive a swift kick to the nuts. However, girls you must be drunk when you grab someone else’s boob or butt only if you are drunk or good friends with them. The more obviously drunk you are the easier it is to get away with it too. No matter how drunk you are though never ever grab another girl’s boyfriends man area she will not be happy with you.

8. Liquor before beer and you are a queer…eh whatever I don’t care. You can drink beer, moonshine, vodka, and then beer again; whatever you want to do. As long as you don’t throw up on me, in my toilet or sink I don’t give a fuck what you do.

9. Milk and any time of liquor is probably a bad idea unless it is in a shot and made absolutely perfect. Birthday cake, stale milk, and alcohol will result in icing flavored throw up.

10. Alcohol is good. Cops are bad. That is all.